The Reason Behind Refusal
by Radical Epiphany
Summary: Kaien Shiba has refused the offer to become Ukitake's lieutenant several times before accepting - and for a very good reason.


**The Reason Behind Refusal**

They are having that talk – again.

So far, there have been three such meetings, three afternoons spent in a sunlit garden, three kettles of green tea drunk to the last drop. Three times he's been asked the same question and three times he's given the same answer. Today is the fourth meeting and Kaien feels his defences crumbling. Yet he steels himself and when the unavoidable question comes, he swiftly retorts with the usual well-rehearsed, solemn reply:  
„I am sorry, captain, I really am, but I cannot accept your offer. There are many better candidates than me and you will surely find a suitable one in no time."  
Despite the gravity of the moment, Ukitake's face falls comically.  
„Oh please, don't say it one more time, you will only disappoint me all over again!" he says, a warm chuckle betraying the fake despair in his voice and Kaien quickly bows his head, takes a sip of the finely powdered green tea and closes his eyes, pretending to savour the bitter taste. He must not look up now, must not stare into those warm brown eyes, must not watch the lovely thin-lipped mouth curled in a self-mocking smile, must not imagine running his fingers through the fine strands of white hair…

Kaien never moves and yet he is running for his life, racing his brain to come up with a solution, with a good solid answer that would silence Ukitake forever.

_ Why doesn't he go ask someone else? Why does it have to be me? _

Both him and the white-haired captain know the answer.  
Kaien has all the necessary qualities – he's a strong warrior, brave and cunning, gold-proof and fiercely loyal, yet unafraid to disagree with superiors should the weak points in their strategy needlessly endanger other division members. His strength, courage and honesty would make him a great lieutenant and – perhaps – one day even captain. But be it as it may, Kaien cannot, must not accept Ukitake's persistent offers, for all that is dear to him, because as much as he hates to admit it, it's true: Kaien can face a Hollow of even a dozen of them, he knows pain and death and never ever has he run away from a fight or refused even one single challenge. He can shed blood, both his and that belonging to his enemies… but he cannot face this man.  
This one man, whose beauty and kindness and frailty wrench Kaien's heart and make him lose his sleep. Should he accept and see him daily, should he become his closest comrade, his confidant, his shadow… then his life would turn into one long, painful string of heartbreak and frustration and ultimately result in jeopardizing his happiness, his career, the future he has already planned with Miyako…

Kaien opens his eyes.

The thought of Miyako brings him back to the ground and gives him strength, he finally knows what to say. He is going to be polite but resolute, refuse the position once and for all, so that there is no doubt left, no future requests possible. He has it all planned - but before he can open his mouth and utter a single word, captain Ukitake starts coughing. It's a sudden, violent fit which overcomes him for a few seconds, and Kaien's heart leaps, his speech completely forgotten. Rushing to his side, he gently takes the cup from captain's shaking hands and uncertainly pats his trembling back, as if this awkward gesture could somehow stop the wretched, miserable cough. He feels the warmth radiating from the frail man and his heart slowly melts.

Kaien waits until the fit goes away and then turns around, pretending to be too busy with pouring a fresh tea, in order to give Ukitake time to regain his posture. Bent over the teapot and cups, he suddenly feels exhausted and weak, but his hands remain steady and he doesn't spill a single drop. He already knows that next time Ukitake asks, he is going to accept and the resignation is making him desperate but also oddly relieved. He doesn't feel ready – he knows he never will be, but there's no other way.  
He can only do what he has always done – accept the challenge, carry on his duty, and tread these dangerous grounds very, very carefully, to protect his captain, his men, his wife – and last but not least his own heart.

**THE END**

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I am a great Ukitake/Shunsui fan, but somehow I really like writing about Kaien. I hope you enjoyed the story and that you didn't find my English too stiff (I am not a native English speaker). XD


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